There's this Adam Sandler movie, called Click. He's a workaholic and gets a special remote that enables him to fast forward events in his life that he doesn't care about or care for. Of course, all movies have a little bit of a problem, so the problem becomes the remote. Like Tivo, it assumes that he likes or dislikes this event or that event, and snap! Before you know it, he's old and he has missed his life. I have a sense of that at the ripe old age of 34.
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I have a wistful recollection of the 20s that I spent working overtime, trying to be something and somebody. I didn't enjoy life. I barely liked myself - I couldn't stand most others. It's quite sad, actually. I once was so upset about something that didn't/doesn't/won't ever matter that my mom tried to convince me to just go lay in the back yard and stare up at the trees and just be for a while. Needless to say, I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't. Not that I had seen that movie yet (it came out when I was 30), but I sure behaved like Adam Sandler's character. I tolerated every day. I didn't want to go to work * I didn't want to go home * I didn't want to clean the house * I didn't want to get gas for the car * I didn't want to go grocery shopping * I didn't want to make a date with friends * Oh.My.Goodness.You.Name.It.And.I.Didn't.Want.To.Do.It. Period. No matter fun or not - I would have fast forwarded my entire life.
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!!! Flash Forward to my 30s !!!
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I swear. I know that movie got terrible ratings but wow, it got me thinking. Although I don't have a universal remote to fast forward the heinous parts of my life, like the #2 associated with potty training (help me) or the throw-up-on-your-clean-shirt factor that is being a baby's mom (Murphy's Law is a bitch), I have certainly noticed that you can put yourself on fast forward without realizing you're doing it. Living in the moment is actually hard. It's easy to live for the weekend - just close your eyes and survive until something else is in front of you or all around you. I didn't know in my 20s how much that means you'll miss out on.
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Gavin is growing up insanely fast. Out of nowhere, he knows his letters and he decided to start peeing in the potty. He jokes, he speaks in some sophisticated sentences, and we can carry on a conversation, like the one about good choices and bad choices just tonight at bedtime snuggles. So of course, since he is growing up so fast, I have lived more consciously and feel like I've been an even better observer to Kajsa's life thus far. I try not to hustle/bustle through my day as much anymore. I try to enjoy the small items in life that make a life a life.
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My neighbor loaned me a book called Hand Wash Cold. I think I wasn't in the "reading place" when I tried to read it at first. I'm hoping to try again. There's a thought in there that your life is comprised of all of these little things, the things that Adam Sandler's character might have fast forwarded through. Doing the laundry, the dishes, the shopping, the planning, wiping up the throw up, cleaning the #2 out of the Thomas sheets... these things are our lives. Our life isn't defined by the spaces in between. All parts whether they are "enjoyable" or not (""quotes because of an Aha! moment I recently had, which got me thinking about the movie, which got me wanting to share it...) make up our life.
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I decided to be "that reader" and try to come up with items I just really cannot stand. Things in my life that I just have no choice but to be hateful about. And the truth is, there's nothing. There's always something to be grateful for. I don't like to do the dishes. But at least I have a machine. And I just love Gavin's robot dishes, so that sort of cheers me. I love that Kajsa isn't exclusively breastfeeding anymore and eats so much so I have a little "awww" when I clean her dishes. My brother offered to unload the dishes as part of his nanny job with our family, so every time I unload I think about how grateful I am for a terrific brother, who realizes how little I like doing the dishes. So then darn it, can't be hateful about that.
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OK, taking the kids in the car. Secretly, I hate HATE taking the kids somewhere by myself. So I set out to prove that nothing good can come of it. It's hard to strap two kids in and not have one get lost/rained on/slide out of the seat/crawl up front to drive... I sweat bullets when I take the kids somewhere alone. Gavin inevitably throws fits. I always lack something in the diaper bag - someone will BLOW UP! while we're out because I forgot the sippy, binky, diaper, wipes, formula, omg, you name it, I've forgotten it. So we go to Target to eat popcorn. Kajsa flirts with a family eating at the food court who can't stop telling me how cute she is (let's face it, that doesn't get old). Gavin tells a wandering waddler NOT to follow us and then mentions "He can't find his mommy!" with genuine concern. Kajsa kicks up a storm when she makes eye contact with people and she totally makes people smile. Gavin tells her "itsokitsokitsokitsok" when she cries in the car. Kajsa eats a baby food and no one freaks out. Gavin is trying out "I promise!" when it doesn't fit, so the end result is funny and random. OK so then damn, can't hate taking the kids somewhere by myself.
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The truth is, nothing in my life with kids is worth fast forwarding. In fact, if I try to consciously do just the opposite, I am finding a lot of success in noting details that I wouldn't have otherwise noticed. Kajsa's turquoise bathing suit today. The small size of her arm holes in the swim shirt she wore. Gavin's curls behind his ears. Watching Gavin rub Zoya's head. Isis' gorgeous blue eyes. Zoya's relaxed pool 'tude. Melissa's gorgeous hair colors in the sun. The clovers that grabbed Kajsa's attention. How carefully Gavin shared his cookie with Zoya. The brilliant green of the leaves on the trees near the wading pool. There was actually so much to see! It's applicable to us texting moms, the stay-at-home folks for whom the job can get a little monotonous, and those of us who previously wanted that fast forward option for tedious times. I think my memories of today will be richer because I sat on the rooftop playground floor and played with Kajsa, because I sat and observed how my kids play, because I wasn't thinking of the next thing to get to. There was nothing wrong with this current moment.
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It's a pretty silly movie to feel so profound. Gavin's (almost) 3 years passes in an absolute s*n*a*p. It's scary and horrible. It's going fast enough already. No need to fast forward. It's a great movie. You should check it out.
